Sunday, 14 February 2010

Temple of Elemental Evil

DO NOT BUY THIS GAME!  I bought it online for 4 dollars and want my money back.  I enjoyed the hell out of Icewind Dale, and had moderate enjoyment out of Baldur's Gate, so even though this game was not by Bioware, it was still D&D based, so I thought I'd enjoy it as well.  I WAS FUCKING WRONG!

It doesn't seem so bad at the beginning.  I liked creating my own party, that was one of the main reasons I liked Icewind Dale.  And there were still NPCs to use, like in Baldur's Gate.  So the beginning seemed like I would enjoy the game.  Than the story comes in, which is pretty non-existent, but then Icewind Dale's story was a bit slow too.  

The first set of quests are fetch quests.  Dull, repetitive quests that take up all your time.  Going from X NPC to Y NPC back to X NPC just to tell you to go Z NPC to tell you to go back to Y NPC, etc etc. Hell, this is less exciting than fucking World of Warcraft.  At least you get items for doing fetch quests in WoW.  You don't get shit for them in Temple.

Finally you talk to that one NPC that actually tells you about a dungeon!  And you go in the dungeon, and you don't necessarily get your ass kicked, but you don't necessarily kick ass at the same time.  You might even have a character die, or at least go unconscious.  No big deal, just rest in the dungeon!  Big mistake.  It doesn't take 8-12 hours in game time to heal your characters.  It takes days.  Like 2 whopping HP per DAY.  So if your fighter is unconscious at level 1 he probably has 10 HP max.  Now depending on how unconscious he is, he could be -9 HP.  That means he's missing 19 HP, so it'll take pretty much 10 days to heal.  If your in the dungeon, you'll probably get fought at least every 6 hours, putting more damage on your already wounded party.

So you survived your first battle.  Good job!  So you go back down to the dungeon and fight a harder battle, and you still live but one of your characters dies.  Like really dead.  Oh shit.  What are you gonna do?  The cleric is only level 1 or 2, so you don't have Raise Dead yet.  Oh well, there's always the church back in town.  So you go to the church and you find out it costs 1000 gold to revive the dead.  You only have 12 gold and 27 silver and 32 copper.  I don't exactly know what the fuck that even mean, suffice to say you are shit poor.  So your dude's dead and you can't revive him.  Shit sucks.  

So somehow you raise that that much GP by selling just about all your belongings that you don't need and maybe some you do need.  And you go back to the church and have him revived.  Only the fucking asshole takes your money and doesn't fucking revive your character, even though the bastard tells you he did.  Oh, well, maybe its a glitch?  Reload.  Same shit.  Close the game out and relaunch.  Same shit.  Well, I never did download the patches, maybe the patches will remedy this. 

Install patches.  Launch game.  Your file's gone.  WTF?  Well, at least I was only at the beginning.  Remake your party.  Though it took probably an hour to make the party the first time, it'll only take maybe 45 minutes this time.  And then do all those fucking fetch quests again.  WHOO, THIS GAME IS AWESOME!

So you progress to the same point in the game and you actually win the third battle without too much damage, ie all your characters alive.  Hell, you even level up!  Awesome.  So you continue down the dungeon and the next battle you fight you finally realize that, damn, you miss a lot.  I mean a LOT.  You probably didn't notice it too much earlier cause you were level 1.  But your level 2 now and you figure you're probably missing 80% of the time, and the monsters are hitting you about 70% of the time.  Somethings fucked up there.  But you continue anyways.  

Next you fight some bats that drain your stats.  WTF?  Stat draining monsters in the FIRST FUCKING DUNGEON.  Oh my god this game fucking hates you. Save that shit for later in the game, God damn.  Not to mention you CAN'T FUCKING HIT THE MONSTERS.  Somehow you win, and you go back to town and rest for like 30 days and your stats return to normal.

Well, they were bats, so they might just be inherently hard to hit.  Continuing on.  Next you fight a group of bugbears.  This looks like its gonna be easy.  I mean c'mon, theres only three of them and 8 of you.  How the hell are you gonna lose?  Probably by missing.  The one bugbears goes into a barbarian rage and gibs your fully healed fighter instantly.  WTF was that?  Fucking lame.  Suffice to say, YOU DON'T WIN.

Alright fuck this game with its shitty chance to hit.  Find out how to use the console.  Set all character's Dexterity to 20.  18 in D&D s good for a level 1-2 character.  20 should be overcompensating.  With your ill-gotten stat increase you decide to try that battle again.  And you still get your sad ass kicked, and you STILL FUCKING MISS!

Fuck this shit, setting DEX to 50.  That should teach them.  WRONG!  

Maybe 500?  Hell having 500 DEX gives you a bonus of 200+.  Theres no way in hell you'll miss now.  Except you do, just MAYBE SLIGHTLY less.  So you end up winning.

So you find the item you were sent to find and take it back to the NPC and the game fucking crashes.